This list is meant to funny and non-offensive. Don’t greet.
- First and foremost, the lucky b*st*rd who gets so wasted the day before an exam that they think they can slut drop without spilling their drink and that the bouncer is part of the KGB -even though he has an Irish accent – while still managing to pass a 9a.m. exam (with a better grade than you!).
- The flatmate that spends four hours a night on the phone to their mum telling them how much they miss them and what a bitch everyone else is but her. NOTE – she’s probably the bitch. Bitch.
- The one who makes a rota for the flat cleaning. Just fuck right off.
- The preppy first year. This is for anyone no longer in first year and you usually notice him or her around Fresher Week. They are the golden retrievers on cocaine that bound about campus and smile at every one they pass. They haven’t failed an essay yet. They haven’t had to pay for a chair they broke when they tried to ‘Coyote Ugly’ their kitchen worktop. They haven’t had to decide between a night out or a dinner in Nando’s. They haven’t been broken and spat out by their classes and succumbed to the horror that is an ‘all-nighter’ … yet. NOTE – my computer put a green squiggly line under the ‘or’ between night out and Nando’s and suggested the word ‘and’. Lad.
- My personal favourite one to hate. The student that doesn’t have to get a job, like, at all. The Bank of Mum and Dad stays open past some people’s eighteenth birthday, apparently.
- The mature student who won’t just shut the fuck up. Let me say, I think everyone should be forced to be a mature student and then we wouldn’t leave Uni with a degree we have no idea what to do with BUT for that rare mature student who thinks they know everything, I, on behalf of the rest of your lecture/seminar/tutorial, please ask you to zip it. Just zip your lips. Padlock those fuckers and just shut the fuck up. If you knew it all, guess what? You wouldn’t be here.
- The super nice but super slutty girl. She’s my favourite. She always smiles and says hi to you but she’s a hoe. No two ways about it. She can usually be found by the Jaeger Bomb station in the Union in a neon **pick a colour** dress that barely covers her fairy cave. Benefit of befriending this girl – free Jaeger Bombs from unsuspecting guys. Not exactly in line with the feminist class they no doubt take but still, effective.
- The pack of tanned, quaffed, hotties that look amazing (and smell even better) but have no clue what they’re doing here or how they got here. Usually just as drunk as student number one but always makes the gym the next day. THAT is dedication.
- The smoker. We all meet this person. NEVER go out alone with them or, worse, with one of their smokey-Joe pals. You’ll spend all night huffing second hand smoke and listening to drunken political debates. Or, even more frighteningly, join in with a drunken debate even though you get all your political facts from Facebook. Awkward for you.
- The fool that studies “Social ethnography of giraffes, public toilets and Scooby-doo” yet acts as if they are single handedly annihilating Ebola, world hunger and third world debt by themselves. Back to your colouring-in book and get ready for your career in Pizza Hut.
- The foreign exchange student that makes you realize just how much you HAVE to travel. They are always cool, always interesting and hysterically funny and are probably going to end xenophobia in the next generation of students. Purely because they are that fucking awesome.
- Best for last. The friend that becomes your lifelong companion. They will be at your wedding, the birth of your first child, your divorce, your midlife crisis and your deathbed. You’ll never meet someone as loyal and brutally honest as this friend. Truly a gem amongst the coals of every other student you will meet.