1 – “Eh speh a peh with meh eh” is a real sentence and not understanding it is tantamount to regional xenophobia. (‘I spy a pie with my eye’ incase you’re wondering.)
2 – I have no idea where Abertay Uni is. Like, at all. I know it exists, just don’t know where.
3 – You cannot go over the rail bridge without someone telling you it fell down once.
4 – As soon as you pass the Disney Store in town, everyone turns into joggy wearing, loud arguing, drug addict and the only other normal people you see will be scurrying furtively to Tesco for a meal deal.
5 – Clarks Twenty Four Hour bakery is worth the taxi fare it takes to get there. But trying to convince your friends who’ve never been and would settle for a kebab is like …
6 – A small subset of Dundonians insist on shouting “Eh?” after every sentence. Take this example: “Can you tell me where the petrol station is, please?” “Yes, it’s over by the Olympia, EH!” and then proceed to look at you as if you are in fact an idiot sent by the lord to test them before their midday pint.
7 – They call roundabouts ‘circles’ and will threaten death if you contradict them. Eh.
8 – They also can’t use their ‘circles’. Or lane positioning. Or who has right of way. Or parking.
9 – The Union is probably the single most divisive thing about Dundee. To students, it’s god’s gift to cheap booze and great music. To everyone else, it is the equivalent of Hyperdales popping up in Craiglang.
10 – Except for their two football teams. Literally on opposite sides of the street from one another. You’re either a Dee and can’t touch an orange without breaking out in hives. Or you’re an ‘Arab’. Which isn’t a racist thing at all, but something to do with them training on sand a hundred years ago and no one letting it go.
11 – A walk down by the riverside is literally one of the most calming and peaceful experiences of your life.
12 – If it’s windy the Tay Bridge shuts down and if you’re caught on the opposite side you have to make a pilgrimage like King Alfred from one bank to the other via Perth. Adding about an hour onto your journey and ten points on your stress levels because you think it’s just a bit of fucking wind. (For the record, it’s not. Its fucking terrifying on a blustery day never mind when Hurricane Bawbag’s pulling in off the North Sea.)
13 – Having drinks up the Perth Road is the equivalent of a jaunt up Ashton Lane. Except in Dundee, they don’t brag about it, the prices are reasonable and you’re still only a five minute walk away from the nightclubs.
14 – Finally, they have something called a ‘stovie’. Is a stovie something you eat? Maybe? I don’t know. Eh, fuck it.